Self Portrait : Mental Breakdown

Sounds not inspiring?

 MENTAL BREAKDOWN

WARNING:

I don't mean to be self pity nor expose negativity in my blog.

I apologize if you find my post is gross.

If you feel like me below which start overtaking your life you may want to get professional help. 

I don't try to be funny or offensive to anyone.

This post is not safe for children.

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WHEN I AM IN MENTAL BREAKDOWN

I am blues.

I am cold.
I am passive and dysfunctional, could be said.

Or worse: emotional numbness. 

I don't have feeling to the lovely happenings in the world of joy.

Socially awkward.

Droopy eyes starring empty.

Overtaken by dark clouds but I can't help it.

Plus hormone can be mean too.

I tried to smile.
I captured when I pretend to smile and finally could honestly cry. But I failed to cry longer. Back to emotional numbness.

I didn't dress up, I didn't wash my hair. You can see my styringomas around my eyes.

As a little bit better I tried so hard to save my interests by accessing what easy to me:

• browsing fashion images, 
• watching some episodes of Vampire Diaries, Two and a Half Men and Desperate Housewives in one go (without emotionally involved), 
• craving the cheapest chocolate bars I could get, 
• eating a pack of peanuts then letting the junks on the floor, 
• and entering some easy steps giveaways (quite an effort for me who claimed to be dysfunctional).

 Because of the stress and bad position in front of screen (probably) or could be poisoned by three too hot Indian chillies mixed with overdose of chocolate (perhaps), I threw up like forever that night.

Two last photos are my blues in 2005! I threw my books and magazine out from storage. But then I spent my time reorganizing them and felt a bit better.

I have been dealing with psychological issues since many years ago. Unfortunately there were no such thing and enough knowledge about. There were probably only either I am weak, weird or a bad person, and heard that everybody has problem. It didn't help at all! A professional was not pretty affordable either. I had series of unfortunate events, a collective of confusing manipulating situations, failed to solve problems, rebellious desicions followed by extreme changes in life. Let say, it's life?

One day I watch an episode of Oprah Show about depression and co. and it was the day this word exist in my mind for the first time!

I just wish to that whoever feel the same: walk on, no drugs, alcohol, no self harming.

........

Take care and be strong!
I wish you happy week and thanks for reading.

Nataya

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